


Honda Has Pointy Hair

by lunardance



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Humor, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mary Sue Parody, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 15:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3254669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunardance/pseuds/lunardance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which happenings occur, and occurrences happen. As well as parenthesis abuse and gratuitous meme references. The fourth wall is in shambles...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honda Has Pointy Hair

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in December 2006. Written as a response to someone's Mary Sue challenge (i.e. someone publishing a request to actually write their OC fic for them), and also something of a General Commentary on the state of the YGO section at The Pit. 
> 
> All typos in here are (probably) intentional, and I preemptively apologize for the 4chan-esque sense of humor I had when I initially wrote this. Content warning for self-harm and suicide mentions, both of which are portrayed in a humorous light.

Once upon a time in Domino, Yu-Gi-Oh Japan Land, there lived a girl named Angel Kaiba who was the twin sister of Kaiba Seto. Which makes no sense, given that Seto _has_ no twin sister, especially not named Angel (and if you want to get technical, she'd be named Tenshi because Japanese characters are simply not named "Angel" unless they're being dubbed; Kaiba Angel sounds stupid anyway so it will remain reversed _just because_ ) - but for the sake of the story (and the snark), she exists in this universe. Unfortunately.

On this fine sunny day in Domino, one poor unfortunate soul sat in his office at the Kaiba Corporation headquarters, typing away at his computer. He was cool, calm, collected, and completely focused on the task at hand - until a shrill, high-pitched squeal broke his chain of thought.

"Seeeeeto!" that somebody named Angel squealed as she bounded into his office, completely oblivious to the fact that said office was probably heavily guarded by security. Of course, she wouldn't notice that, however; after all, Angel was The Prodigal Child and therefore, warped all laws of reality around her. Which meant that security didn't give two shits about her suddenly busting into Kaiba's office.

Growling at the intrusion, Kaiba looked up angrily. "Who are you, and how did you get into my office?"

Angel let out an annoying giggle. "Oh, Seto, you big silly, you shouldn't be playing games while you're working!" She somehow appeared behind him - probably via wormhole - and latched onto his shoulders, floor-length brown hair (streaked with sixty-four different colors, all carefully selected from a box of Crayolas) cascading down her inhumanly slender shoulders. "I'm Annnnngel, remember? Your long lost twin sister! Tee hee. I love this game."

Kaiba automatically tensed at the contact. "I have no idea who you are, and I highly suggest that you get off of me and get out of my office before I call security."

Angel pouted. Not just any pout, but a pout that would make even Yami no Malik cringe - with horror, no doubt. Huge, red lips poofed outward as her gigantic sapphire-emerald-ruby-linoleum orbs (marbles?) widened, brimming with unshed tears of _woe_. To be blunt, she looked a bit like a blowfish. "But... but! I vaporized security with my spectacular beauty! They all got erections as soon as I walked into the room!"

Refraining from making a comment about _rigor mortis_ , Kaiba scowled, narrowing his eyes at the parasite attached to him. " _Out_."

"Oh, _fine_ ," Angel snapped, tearing herself away from that oh-so-sexy CEO who the majority of the fandom was obsessed with and had a tendency to slash with Jounouchi. She stormed toward the door in a huff. "I'll just enter the Battle City Tournament all by myself! Just you watch, I'll enter myself into the system the same way that Exodia duelist did!" With that, she was gone, and the voices inside Kaiba's head rejoiced.

"...tch." Kaiba resumed working on his computer, more than a little disturbed by Angel's behavior. Oh well, it wasn't his problem; obviously, there was nothing that could be done if she'd ripped the fabric of the space-time continuum all by herself and burst into his office.

Though he couldn't help but wonder how she'd known about that supposed "Exodia duelist" if the tournament hadn't even begun yet.

* * *

And so, the Battle City Tournament went under way. Yami no Yuugi proceeded to pwn the ass of everyone who so much _thought_ of challenging him (including a particular duelist who had about thirty Exodia-related cards in his deck; when Kaiba caught wind of that one, he started to seriously consider therapy).

Yuugi remained cute and squishy.

Jounouchi made fools out of Insector Haga, Esper Roba, and Kajiki Ryouta, and Anzu just sort of stood on the sidelines as usual. Like a cheerleader. Jounouchi briefly considered giving her pom-poms and a short skirt, but then that probably would've made Mai jealous, and then his chances of getting into her pants would be ruined forever. Damn.

And Honda was neglected because everybody seems to forget him in this kind of fanfiction. Poor Honda. He never gets any love. Well, that ends now, because I'm going to make him some cookies.

Meanwhile, while all of this took place over a span of about twenty episodes, the Official Second-Season Enemy made himself known. Though most of the cast who knew of him at all only knew him by his voice - he sounded something like a cat with laryngitis stuck in a blender - Angel, by manipulating space and time like most Mary Sues tend to do, thought he was absolutely gorgeous (and this author would have to agree with her, yikes) and decided that he Absolutely Must Take Her Virginity.

Unfortunately for Angel (or fortunately, depending on your outlook), Malik Ishtar knew absolutely nothing of this abomination, and was simply focused on killing the farrow and possibly getting to know that cute white-haired kid with the Ring, and the spirit, and the bad fashion sense. (Not that Malik knew much about fashion sense himself, given his choice of attire - seriously, you're not fooling anybody with that little lavender belly shirt. Anybody with eyes can see that you're just a little on the _fabulous_ side, especially in conjunction with that _Item_ you always talk about... and caress... uhm. Right. Taking off the Slash Goggles now.)

"Oh, Marik, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind," Angel sang to herself as she thoroughly owned yet another pathetic duelist with her Super Special Awesome Rare Chocolatey-Fudge-Coated Super Card ('sup LittleKuriboh 8D) and took their rarest card. Which, unfortunately for her, was just a wee little weak monster. Like, uh... Happy Lover. Yeah, that works.

That poor duelist whimpered at being beaten by a lowly Mary Sue as he handed over his locator cards.

Angel squeed so loudly that the tildes were audible in her melodious, angelic (da-huck!), orgasmic voice. "Yay, yay, I won! Now I can enter the Battle City Finals and I'll be so much closer to my beloved Marik!" Surprisingly, however, she then remembered something.

"Oh, wait... there already were eight duelists in the finals. Oh well, I'll just butt someone out! Like Odion, because nobody likes him."

... _Excuse_ me? First off, I think you mean Rishid, and you're wrong about nobody liking him. I happen to be _quite_ a fan of him, thankyouverymuch.

Angel looked up, completely surprised at the voice that was suddenly coming out of nowhere. Was that God? Because God sure sounded an awful lot like a twenty-one-year-old basement dweller with nothing better to do than write this fanfic. "What? People _like_ him? But, uhm... he's not a bishounen!"

So? That doesn't mean he isn't a badass.

"Well, I, ahh... I'm going to marry Marik!"

LMAO. Yeah, right. We'll just see how that goes. Nevermind that he'd sooner marry the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe than you, but you have a right to try, I suppose. Don't say I didn't warn you if you happen to walk in on him making out with Bakura Ryou.

"Oh, he'd never do that because we were destined to be together! Ee-shee-zoo predicted it with her necklace thingy! I swear! ... ... But okay!" And with that, Angel got her Hot Topic-clad little ass over to the finals.

* * *

Much like the tournament itself, the Battle City Finals went under way - this time atop a huge blimp. (Jounouchi idly wondered if Kaiba was compensating for something with it. Then again, Kaiba must have been compensating for a lot of things, given the average size of his trenchcoats as well.) Angel, of course, plowed through the competition because she was Just That Good at dueling - though, given the fact she had that Super Special Awesome Rare Chocolatey-Fudge-Coated Super Card in her deck, she should've won by default. But the author _had_ to give her a little bit of difficulty so she won't be a Mary Sue! Insert "lol" here.

So by the time the Noa arc rolled around, Angel had not only acquired Obelisk ("Oh, tee hee, sorry big brother! Looks like I win! Yay!") and Ra ("OMG MARIK MARRY ME RIGHT NOW! Skfjsdh!"), but she had also called Anzu a whore (to which Yuugi and the others objected), proved the existence of the Sennen Orange (and peeled it), and walked in on Malik making out with Bakura Ryou before the finals had started. Needless to say, she was heartbroken and slashed her ankles (she wasn't smart enough to slash her wrist) while listening to Linkin Park, but she got over it in a few minutes because obviously, True Love Conquers All. Malik would obviously see the error of his ways and confess his Twoo Wuv to her eventually!11one!eleventy!1.

... I almost feel sorry for that poor, disillusioned little bimbo.

And of course, she still found Malik amazingly sexy even in his stretchingface!glowingforehead!Yami mode, because love is blind, or some rubbish like that.

Anyway, once she made it to the final match against Yami no Yuugi, she proceeded to kick _his_ ass as well - and that's when you _know_ a card is baller as heck. Of course, she also had the other two God Cards at her disposal, so as a result the duel lasted about two seconds, give or take.

"OMG! I can't believe I won!" Angel shrieked after winning. She happily jumped up and down, making her tire-sized breasts bounce as well. She stopped bouncing when one of them hit her in the face. "Ow."

Yami no Yuugi just smacked his forehead with his palm. How could he lose to that... _thing_? Oh well; everyone had to lose sometime, he guessed. He hesitantly approached Angel, offering her a card. "... ... Here," he said, trying to hide a twitch, "I believe this belongs to you now. Erm. Good duel...?"

"Ooooooh, thank you, Sexy McWeirdhair!" Angel giggled maniacally and took the Osiris card she'd been offered, and then held all three of the God Cards out to him, along with the Super Special Awesome Rare Chocolatey-Fudge-Coated Super Card. "But I don't need them because I'm going to marry Marik. You can have them!"

"Er... thank you?" Yami no Yuugi blinked, absolutely dumbfounded as Angel bounded over to Malik - who, somehow (probably via wormhole), had reverted back to his regular self because Angel decided that Yami no Malik was too psychotic for her tastes (though she really didn't have room to talk in that department) - and promptly thrust her breasts in his face.

"Marik! Marry me now, plzkthnx!" Angel giggled and glomped him so hard that his face had turned a lovely shade of blue in a matter of seconds. Oxygen? Malik didn't need any oxygen; he could live on his sexiness alone! And then she could always give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It was a brilliant plan - one that could only come from the mind of a fangirl with self-insert fantasies. Erm. Not that this author's tried that before. Nope, not at all. Cough.

(AND NOW, A BRIEF INTERLUDE:

Laughing emote. "Malik: fueled by pure SEX AND LOVE, bebe. He could be a type of car," Luna's beta reader said, before keeling over ded.

Luna cackled unattractively in response. "Oh yeah, man. I'd drive it.")

Malik, who was actually considering _welcoming_ the sweet sweet blackness that was death, somehow managed to pry off the tumor he had attached to his side. "...no thanks," he spat, eyeing her like she was out of her gourd (not like Malik wasn't a little off-center, though), "I'd sooner marry the gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe. DO NOT WANT." After all, he was only sixteen - legal marriage age in Japan didn't come along until at least twenty, provided that he actually planned on staying there. Lots of people like to make him return to Japan, this author included. (Must be for their OTP purposes. Insert sage-like nod here.)

"But... BUT..." Angel's rainbow-colored eyes widened to the size of teacups again, crystalline tears falling down porcelain cheeks; she might as well have been weeping tears of blood, her sorrow was that intense! "But you're my One True Love and we have to get married and have twelve and a half kids and live happily ever after!" Surely, she would die of lament if she didn't get to become one with her beloved Malik-squish-fluff-snugglebear! But that's okay, Angel. There's always OKCupid for these kinds of things.

Malik just stared blankly in response. "... Whatever. I'm gonna go see if that hot white-haired kid's awake yet." And with that, he made his way out of the Duel Tower, everyone else out there following after. They would've said something, but they were either too amused or too disgusted to attempt to make contact with the sobbing yutz sitting on the duel platform. Good for them. They have sense.

"WHYYYYY? WHY THIS?" Angel wailed as she cast her pain-filled gaze to the un-angstily sunny sky above. Nobody could ever understand the agony she felt at the moment - not even Malik, who had had hieroglyphs carved into his back with a white-hot knife, or Bakura, who had suffered the loss of his mother and sister and all of his old friends (not to mention, depending on who in the fandom you asked, getting the crap kicked out of him by his yami on a regular basis even though it's physically impossible)! Clearly, Angel Kaiba, who had had the most melodramatically tragic background ever (being a superficial Mary Sue character, after all), was the most depressed person on the face of the planet. Her voice filled with angst (and not of the shipping variety), she broke out into song in all of her remorse.

"CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL..." And then she was silenced, because her voice sounded horrible even in the author's head.

Angel wibbled. "What did I ever do to deserve rejection? What is it? Am I not beautiful enough for my lovely beautiful Mariky-honeybunch? Are my boobies not big enough? Is it because I don't have a penis?" She never gave anyone time to respond before slitting her ankles again. News flash, honey: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Just toss yourself off the edge of the tower already, and be done with it.

And so she did just that, hitting the ground with nothing but a mere thud. (Hm, funny. I thought it'd make more of a "splat" noise, or a "crunch", perhaps...)

Nobody cared, or even noticed. They were all too busy trying to get off of Alcatraz before it exploded, or something like that.

* * *

And thus, the world was rid of a horribly annoying little twit.

Kaiba was thankful for her death: it saved him the trouble of calling the men in the white coats to come and take her away. Now he could get back to work on his Kaiba Land plans and making sure Mokuba didn't get into too much trouble; he was due to hit puberty soon and Kaiba had to make sure he didn't learn about reproduction from the kids at school.

Jounouchi went ahead and gave Anzu the pom-poms and short skirt for her cheerleader costume, which didn't make Mai jealous like he thought it would - it actually turned her on, and once she saw Anzu with them she couldn't help but haul her off to a football field for some "fun". This would've pleased Jounouchi more if he'd been invited to at least watch.

Yami no Yuugi regained his title of Teh King of Gaems, Yuugi remained squishy and adorable, and all of those minor characters had a jolly old time, and stuff like that.

Malik returned to Egypt with Isis and Rishid, though he made plans to come back to Japan eventually - long-distance relationships were just so difficult to manage, and he was pretty sure that if Bakura's father learned about their internet conversations, he'd think his son was talking to some kind of stalker, or something like that.

And I eventually sent Honda cookies. He said thank you, and that he'd share them with Shizuka. Well, have fun with that, Honda.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Or as happily as one can get in this God-forsaken fandom.

**Author's Note:**

> So, the challenger's stipulations were:
> 
> a) their OC is named Angel and is the long-lost twin sister of Seto,  
> b) she gives all of the God Cards to Atem after the Battle City finals,  
> and c) she marries Malik at the end.
> 
> Honestly, I don't have a problem with ridiculous self-indulgent self-insert wish-fulfillment fanfiction anymore because, let's be real, what harm does it do anyone? I didn't feel the same way at the time that I wrote this, but truthfully, it was written in good fun and the challenger actually found it hilarious. It probably doesn't hold up as well today as I thought it did back then, but I've always kind of been a little bit proud of it because my humor-writing skills aren't spectacular.


End file.
